Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
