My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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