how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize