i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
