Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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