Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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