i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
