dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
