so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
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Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
why is half of my head shaved?
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