he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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