i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
