I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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