youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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