i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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