I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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