He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
