$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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