Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
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i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
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He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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