the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
