You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
