I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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