My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
