only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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