i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
