Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
