Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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