Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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