Life is so much better after having sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
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I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
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I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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