Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
