Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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