Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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