how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
