hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
you made out with another girl for some wings
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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