I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
3 2 1 whiskey
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
