If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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