just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
