So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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