I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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