Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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