tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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