It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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