Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
