i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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