There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
