When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
