I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.