i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
