i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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