The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
sarcasm needs its own font
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"