remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.