I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks