the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
