There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
