i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
