when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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