I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
