I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She's the barista slut.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
whose ass print is on the piano?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
